Lovesit!!!! This skirt is absolutely fun and fresh and with Fall (Autumn) coming up, you can throw a pair of cute tights (any of the colors on the skirt) and voila, one hot mama!!! You know the drill by now. Me no affordy...but if you affordy please buy-y two :). Click on the link to buy this$1086(70% off) Emanuel Ungaro ruched silk chiffon skirt. For everyone who is like me and cannot afford this, Express has a cute version which you can find here for $50."Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad, because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss...Mimi"
As you can tell by now, today's topic is going to be on long distance relationships (which totally suck by the way). I am not a stranger to long distance relationships. Infact I think out of my *ahem* slightly numerous boyfriends *ahem*, only a handful have not been long distance.
Based on my history, you could consider me a pro at this kind of relationship. Now although they can be hard, long distance relationships can also offer a lot of benefits that being together may not. For example, not always being together means you can learn to be independent and do the things you like to do in your own time. It also means that you can properly plan the time that you do get to spend together and make sure that time is meaningful and well spent. Long distance relationships also allow you to focus on you, when its time to work you work and when its time to play you play (i.e., when the significant other is not around you can focus on doing other things and when he or she comes around you can have fun together).
Long distance relationships sound fun dont they? You get to have your cake and eat it at the same time. Yummmmmm!!!! Well its time for a cake diet! :). While long distance relationships have their benefits, some times they can lead to the demise of relationships that in traditional face to face settings might have had a good chance of surviving. How is this you ask? Well the major factor is COMMUNICATION or perhaps a LACK of communication.
It takes two very dedicated people to successfully maneuver or deal with a long distance relationship. Dedication here goes beyond thinking and wanting the other person, but actively ensuring that your channels of communication are constantly open and working. Long distance relationships do not have the benefit of traditional relationships, so things that you may have learned while interacting with the person on a day to day basis, you have to try harder to learn by listening to the person and asking questions and responding to any question. Suppression or concealment is a long distance relationship killer. I will not even call it its kryptonite, no it is not a slow death, it will kill a relationship right there and then!
Communicating. But Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. *sigh*. Yes I know. Having researched communication styles of the different genders, I know that the way men and women communicate is vastly different even if they share the same feelings. Every man and woman is different and it is the responsibility of the other in the relationship to truly understand who they are dating and how this person communicates. Most of the time, we hear stories about how all men especially in long distance relationships do not do enough to show that they want to be in said relationships. They dilly dally until the woman is out the door and then do everything to get them back. This may be true or a fallacy, do you want it to be your situation though? I doubt it.
Most women who have been in a (failed) long distance relationship will put it all on the man. Well when we started he was always on the phone, always texting, sending emails etc. and now he cannot even be bothered to send a text once in awhile. (Which may be true) But do these women call these men out on these issues? We as women like to do the psychic thing. I think it, therefore you must know it. Unfortunately, though some well trained men (like most of my exes, you are welcome) may pick up on these subtle things, most will not get it and think everything is hunky dory.
Most men who have been in a (failed) long distance relationship will put it all on the woman. Well when we started she wasnt so needy, she wasnt so possessive, so distrustful etc. (Which may be true). But do these men call their women out on these issues? Research suggests (yeah when you say research suggests it just makes everything sound credible doesnt it? lol) that men have a set way of communicating and they do not see themselves as changing.
Can you see the problem here? While the woman is blaming the man for doing all the changing, the man is blaming her for doing all the changing when in reality they have both changed to fit their changing/changed situation but they did not change in sync (yes it is possible). Now do not get it "tweested" as Naa would say, these are problems that one can find in everyday tface to face raditional relationships too. The only difference is that with traditional relationships, at least you see the person regularly to assuage any misgivings you might have about your relationship. Whereas in long distance relationships, lack of effective communication leaves these issues to build insecurities which fester and rot the distance between the two hearts. (On some serious poetic imagery right here). :)
Tying in with this issue of communication (between the two) is the issue of validation. (communicating to the world about the two). In a traditional relationship, you do not have to announce to the world that you are together, seeing the two of you show up to every event should let even the slowest person get it. Yes they are together. In a long distance relationship,this is slightly more difficult and harder to maneuver. (Hence the ability of my various exes to cheat, the thing is I never met any of their friends and they never met me so when it did come out that there was cheating going on I was the one they did not know it was ...who are YOU again?...and you started dating him WHEN? *sigh*)
I have no clear solution for you on the validation issue. I am a work in progress myself, the only thing I can suggest is that if by the 6th - 8th month you havent seen or been introduced to anyone...umm check please? :). I could be wrong though but seriously. It has never taken more than 6 months for me to meet anyone's parents/friends/favorite pet you get the gist ...long distance or not. (Im just saying!!!). Every situation is different though. You need to feel out your mate and figure out what is a good cut off time for you, your situation may be different from mine. Whatever the situation is, you and your partner need to visit this issue of validation and work it out to the point where both of you are comfortable.
*Insert guy thought here* "Why do women care about validation? I say I am with you, I call you my wifey *sidenote I dislike that term, I am a girlfriend, a fiancee or a wife...never a wifey, shortey etc.* Why do you want to make this an issue more than it has to be? Do you want me to tweet about you? Have our facebook profiles changed to dating, have a special ring tone for you (maybe Usher's My Boo) why does what the rest of the world think about us have to matter to you if you say its only about me and you?"
This is usually where I run because he is kicking game. My thing is that Men have no problem letting the world know the things they "stan" for...favorite designers, favorite teams, favorite lyrics, favorite etc...and yet I am supposed to be your favorite girl and you want to keep me hidden???? *where they do that at?* I am gone...If you want me and not ashamed of me ...let the rest of the world know you do...let there be no shame in THAT game.
Now we have looked at some of the interesting aspects of long distance relationships, class dismissed!!!! I keed, I keed. In the next section, I look at some tools that people in long distance relationships can employ to avoid the many pitfalls that they may encounter in their unique dating situation.
1. Communication - this is essential. Without effective communication, you and your mate are going nowhere fast (if anywhere at all with your relationship). Talk it all out, always and every time. Talk about your insecurities, talk about happy times, talk about sad times, talk about money, or a lack of it, talk about jobs, talk about likes, talk about dislikes just talk talk talk...let your other mate be your personal diary the one person you are able to run to and just spill your guts to. (Otherwise what are you doing in your relationship?)
2. Praying - This is my only sanity when I think I want to shake the boyfriend (just a little shake not too often though :)). Pray, pray, pray. When your mind is busy and filled with prayer, the devil has less leeway to put insecure thoughts in your head. Praying can also help you figure out if you are truly meant to weather the storm together, or if your mate is a helpful mate on the journey to someone else. Pray Pray Pray. I cannot emphasis this enough.
3. Trusting - Yeah the big one for me. You say one thing and my mind comes up with a million ways you meant something else...yeah for people working through prior insecurities (both men and women, baby steps is all I can say, Baby steps!!!!)
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."I John. IV. 18
4. Compasssion/Empathy - Try not to let everything always be about you. Oh if you loved me you would have thought to buy that victoria secret underwear I have been hinting about. Oh if you loved me you would let me go to the games with my boys instead of staying here on the phone with you (even though we havent spoken in a week). Try to always put yourself in the other persons shoes and see how your actions might be impacting that person. In a long distance relationship, you may have to sacrifice some immediate satisfaction to obtain a long term goal. Do not keep track of these sacrifices, do it for the good of the relationships and never , "oh but the last time I did this or I did that", it is not a competition.
"Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth."
1 John 3:18
5. Planning - Even if you are not a planner at heart, you need to learn to plan plan plan. You have a limited amount of time that you will spend with this significant other. You cannot do things by ear. You will waste more time trying to decide what it is you actually want to do versus doing these things and enjoying that time together. So plan plan plan. Do not be afraid to make short, long and longer term plans. Personally, I live a very structured life (or I used to), I knew what I was doing a month from now, 2 months from now, next year etc. (yeah I know man proposes and God disposes but I had a rough sketch.) Right now due to unforseen situations like a lack of JOB I cannot plan things as much as I did before. You know what I am doing instead? I am planning this unemployment stage into my major life plan (ah hah!). Planning is important in a long distance relationship to see where you have been, where you are going and where you hope to end up. You are committed in a long distance relationship, how much more commitment does it take to plan out things? Without counsel plans fail,but with many advisers they succeed. Proverbs 15:22.
6. Having fun - making fun. Ok so you cannot go on a date every weekend or cuddle anytime you want to. Boo hoo, in this technologically mediated society, there are so many tools one can use to their advantage. Buy a webcam. Have dinner in front of the webcam once a month, why cant that be your date night? Watch a program together on tv, play an online game etc. etc. there are so many fun things to do and so many things you can learn about your significant other in this time you are apart.
Long distance relationships can really suck if you are not ready to deal with them or approach them like you would a traditional face to face relationship. You cannot expect to screw in a nail with a hammer so you cannot expect the things you expected or did in a face to face relationship to work in a long distance one. You have to learn to adapt to this different kind of relationship and learn to adapt to your mate. Prayer and communication are the 2 main things you need and the rest should fall into place. If the person is worth it, being apart will only make you stronger, and if they are not...oh well you wasted money :). Long distance relationships suck, but your partner should make it absolutely worth it. ...Love comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith." 1 Timothy 1:5
"May the Lord bless you and keep you. May His Light always be with thee. May He keep you safe from harm, and shield you from all wrong. May He grant you his peace. May He guide you on your way. Bring you joy with each new day." The Benediction.
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