Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it...

I love everything this outfit has to offer for office wear. It is classy and stylish but feminine at the same time. It would take too long to break down what each part cost so please check here. The whole look goes for less than $300.00 *side eye*. For others cheap like I am, I am sure we can mimic the look with things we get at TJ Maxx, Ross, etc. :).

So I was trying to do some research/studying for an interview and I came across my qualifying exam answers. Reading them now, I do not know who wrote them. How did I remember all the things I remembered?? I used to be a "shark"(slang for a brain-aic). Now, not so much. Lol. Its still good to know I had it "once". *Sigh*...

Moving right along. Today's title pretty much sums up the topic of the day. Badly behaved children. I CANNOT STAND badly behaved children. No, you know how you or some other people can look at kids misbehaving and just nod sympathetically at the poor parent and keep it moving? Not me, bad kids kill a little bit of my soul. (Yes I am being overly dramatic, but its true. I abhor children without manners.)

Oh I forgot my usual disclaimer. *This post is not discussing children with mental/psychological issues which prevents them from knowing and thus doing better, this is for children with normal mental acuity*

"He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes" (Proverbs 13:24) and "Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell." (Proverbs 23:13-14)

So what makes me pick on the small innocent children today? Well because I am seeing more and more children "acting" out with their parents sitting idly by. I know we have all seen the children screaming in the grocery stores, or the children doing the tantrum dance on department store floors, or even better, the children doing the demon screaming and scrambling for the door, or trying to climb over/under the pews in Church . *Sigh* These are only a few of the instances that pushed me to write this post. *Sidenote* Thank God Francis knowing me has already ok-ed me "straightening" B out if he gets confused...ever!

Back to the issue of badly behaving children. Who is to be blamed? Nature? Nurture? Oh, let's make this discussion even more interesting by suggesting that some people are just born inherently bad and evil. I do not subscribe to this viewpoint, however, so sorry it does not fly in this discussion. I think people are inherently good (but sinful) and then after baptism they are cleansed. Based on my view then there are no inherently spiritually bad children. Do you agree or not? If you disagree, that's your beef...moving on.

So if these children are not bad through nature, then are they bad because of the surroundings they find themselves in? To some extent I say yes. Bad mannered children sometimes are a reflection of their parents. Now I say "sometimes" because I have seen cases where the parents were brought up properly and try everything short of killing their kids and still these kids misbehave. So for such parents maybe we need to discuss the possibility of exorcism? (I keed, I keed).

Such bad behavior from children is simply unacceptable. Like my father would say, "not while you are living in my house" and my mother would say, " I gave birth to you and not the other way around". I dared not try such nonsense with my parents, my aunts, uncles or any other elder person who happened to be in charge of me. I would get punished by said adult and then when we got home and I was "reported" to my parents, I would get punished AGAIN!

At this point it is also important to say I do not condone violence or physical abuse on anyone especially children. If you are simply wailing on a child for no good reason or even for a little infraction, you need to get checked! There are so many disturbing stories in the news currently about parents who have starved, chained, abused their children. In some cases, these were babies, there is no excuse for doing that to a baby. Others cited "bad" behavior of the kids. Keeping in mind that most of these children are below the age of 5, there is no excuse for the parents.

What I am advocating is a "checking" method that does not ultimately harm your children but trains them. There are several verbal and non verbal ways to do this.

Non verbal method:
The look: I remember, matter of fact I do not even have to remember it still works. My parents have a "look" that they can give me in public that freezes me up like an Iphone on a bad day :). Yes, that look STILL works!! That is how powerful it is. You need to train your child to recognize the look and know the repercussions of the look. The look alone, however, is insufficient in teaching the child what they did wrong. This should usually be incorporated with the speaking.

Verbal method:
Speaking: So you come home, tired from work and you find your favorite vase smashed. Of course your first inclination will be to scream bloody murder. Consider drinking a glass of cold water FIRST! Then go speak to your child about, what happened. Listen carefully and then respond with punishments befitting the crime. So for example in this case Jnr. was 1. running through the house, 2. chasing his ball and he smashed the gift. If the rules are no running and no ball playing s/he gets punished for running and playing ball in the house. There have to be consequences for every rule broken. Make sure the children understand this, they are being punished for THAT specific action (or inaction).

Non verbal method:
Spanking, pinching, etc.
Sue me but I am an advocate of spanking. Not to be confused with brutally abusing the child. Simple spanking should do. I think spanking is more appropriate for younger children you cannot sit and explain things to. That spanking will act as a reminder next time they want to do something and should serve as a deterrent. Here is an interesting article on spanking, that I think properly highlights the importance of spanking, what are your thoughts?

Non verbal method:
Sending the child up to their room:
I personally never saw the "power" in this. Ok so even if there is nothing in the child's room to do (no TV, no Computer), they can go right to bed and then whats the punishment again? For me this punishment is rather "cruel and unusual" when it works and a waste of time when it does not. As a child, nothing brought me greater joy than to be on my own without my brothers bugging me. If I had been sent to my room, it would have been a welcomed reprieve for me to go and read in peace without worrying about chores or my brother.

Verbal method:
Shouting: I dislike shouting immensely so this should never be used. Shouting serves no purpose. Yes you are mad and angry but what exactly is the child supposed to learn from you screaming like a lunatic. Or even worse cursing like a drunken sailor? Do not be shocked when in a few years this same child is throwing tantrums or engaging in shouting matches with you because that is the only way they feel they can be heard.

There are many ways that parents can use/learn to teach their children how to be well behaved in public and at home. If these parents are neglecting these responsibilities and allowing their children to run amok then it is the responsibility of someone else to "check" the kid. ( I am just saying). In my culture, the child belonged to the society so if someone saw you misbehaving they had every right to punish you and then to add insult to injury "report" you to your parents for more punishments for embarrassing them when they were not around. *Sigh*

With the psychos running around, however, I know I would go ape crazy if anyone ever laid a hand on my child so I do not advocate the new wave of child behavior enhancers that has been sweeping the nation. Please please please NEVER EVER put your hand on a strangers child. If you can not deal with the noise, remove yourself from the situation, it is that simple.

Ok so what is the morale of the story? Parents, train your children. Doing this will keep the rest of us from wanting to smack or train your badly behaving children for you.

Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Deuteronomy 11:15

"Jigga Man, why you treat me like animal?"

Is it wrong to fall in love with this Coach MIA leather Carryall? If it is wrong, I never want to be right!!!! I love, love, love except.... Coach seems to be so passe these days. So I will pass for now.

So the good news of the day...the other T got "us" the BCBG bandage skirt. You see slowly (VERYYYYY Slowllllyyyy) I am getting the things I want. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
I also got some Express shirts that J gave me a side eye for when I ordered because I promised I was done with shopping. But they were a steal!!! Usually $34.50 and I got them on sale for $5 bucks each...Scoreee!!! They are XXS, I usually wear an Express XS but they fit and with my new "supposed" gym regime I should be able to wear them with confidence soon. Here is the link, but be warned everything left seems to be XXS.

Moving on today's topic, in case you are not familiar with the title, it is a line from Jay Z's song Girls Girls Girls. I always found that song to be slightly disturbing and female deprecating. (Then again how many rap song lyrics are not disturbing and female deprecating?)

No, today's topic is not going to be on male chauvinism. Well to some extent it deals with male chauvinism, but it is not the main topic. Today's topic presents an interesting perspective on the dark side of interracial/intercultural/inter-geographical marriages.

So we all know the deal. We see a mixed color couple and immediately we start the guessing game. If shes black and pretty, and he is white and ordinary, it must be the money. If shes white and young and he is black and successful, it must be the money. I could go on and on but you know the interracial stereotypes.

Lets take it further and look at racial stereotypes. What are some of these basic racial stereotypes? Well, we have the submissive Asian woman, she wants to always do everything to please her man, she needs to be controlled. We have the overly sexual Latino woman who can never be sexually satiated, she needs to be controlled. We have the African woman who is not only primitive, but overly sexual, animalistic and needs to be controlled. Different colors, different geographic regions, one overarching theme, these different types of women need to be controlled/dominated.

What brought this issue up? Well I was watching a program this weekend about mail order brides, and it reintroduced me to this issue. Usually, when people hear that one is an immigrant in a developed nation and is married to a citizen of said developed nation, the stereotypical conclusion people draw is that it was done for said immigrant to get their "papers". While some of these situations are true, there are many more situations where this is not the case. There are the cases where women in developing countries leave their countries and what they know to get with a man in a developed nation hoping for a better life. It is unfortunate that these women come only to be abused in the name of bettering themselves and their unborn children.

*Disclaimer, my personal points are based on prior research that I have actually conducted on said topic, albeit from an African and specifically Ghanaian perspective. I do not claim to be the be all end all know all about this very topic. I do not judge women who choose to engage in such relationships and marriages, I just believe it should be made absolutely clear to them what they are getting themselves into so they can get into the situation with their full consent.* Moving right along.

In the show, whose title I forget now but had something to do with Mail order brides on the Current channel, they chronicled the plight of abused immigrant wives. These women had found themselves in Europe from different countries, the one I saw was from Thailand and were being abused by their husbands. The show basically highlighted the inefficiency of the British government to take care of these immigrant wives who were being abused. In most cases, the women, after being subjected to all sorts of horrible sexual exploitations were deported because they complained to the authorities about their husbands who were citizens.

This situation and story is not new to me. As I pointed out earlier, I researched and wrote about young women back home in Ghana who met supposed "wealth" expatriates and were taken back "home" (wherever home was) with them. Unfortunately, most of the time, these "wealthy" expatriates turned out to be frogs and not Princes. They were usually deviants or socially inept individuals who due to their lack of societal skills and other issues could not find women in their own countries to deal with them, and thus resorted to misleading these immigrants. For more about this issue and how serious it really is, please read more here.

What immigrant women in this situation seem to have in common is the fact that they are not properly educated about how "real" it can get "out there". These poor women leave their families, home, everything they are familiar with and culture and basically become sex slaves, or even worse put in porn or prostitution with their husbands becoming their pimps.

Ok at this point some people might say...If you do not like it, then leave. This is easier said than done for several reasons. The first reason being the most important. Getting with these men was to avoid being in the horrible situation that they were in at home. They believed that with these men, they would have more opportunities to better themselves and give their unborn children options that they never had or even dreamed of. The second issue is that of saving face. In most cases, the culture that these women come from are cultures where face is very important. Once you are married, if you become divorced or sent back for any reason, this means you failed as a wife and no man is going to look at you twice. These women know that and cannot bear to bring such shame upon their families. Lets also add the element of children. These women know that if they are deported they will lose access to their children, so in most cases they prefer to stay and deal with the torture than lose their kids. There is also an emotional element to this. Abused women sometimes feel as if the abuse is physically visible on them and feel so much shame that they would rather hide than be around the people who may or may not care about their past. What do these and other reasons have in common? The fact that at the end of the day, it is the woman who suffers. A lose lose situation for her.

Lets also not forget that although some of these women can speak English, most of the time they do not speak the language enough to tell anyone what is going on with them. Usually, these women are kept isolated from the rest of society as these sick men are afraid they will tell someone what they have been subjected to. How many of us know our neighbors?...It could be going on right next door to you.

Ok so why is this depressing topic even on my radar? Why do I, and other well educated immigrant women need to worry about this issue? Well the men who prey on immigrant women do it many different ways. There are some who specifically target uneducated women or women who do not speak the language in the belief that they will not know any better and can not report said men and as such these women are easy victims. There are other men who prefer the thrill of dominating a woman "thinks" she knows a lot. For the men who choose to target educated women, they come with a different game all together.

Ok so what are some key signs to tell you, your guy may have some stereotypical assumptions and aspirations about you the immigrant? I have no clue.

Some personal red flags, however, are instances like these.

1. A guy who swears he only dates "exotic" or "ethnic" women and swears they are so much more interesting than women of his own culture. RUN!
This person could not have dated everyone in his culture and race to make such a stupid statement. We are all humans, there are stupid, mean, people in every single race and culture.

2. The man who always makes little sly racist comments and wants to laugh it off as a joke all the time. RUN!
Racism is never funny. If he is doing it to another race, most probably he is doing it about your race behind your back.

3. The man who wants to be "down" so bad. When you met him he had a certain style and all of a sudden he wants to be wearing dashiki's (and stuffs). I fully support cultural immersion but I do not believe in getting rid of one culture( his culture) for this to happen. so RUN!

Etc. Etc.....

People have different reactions to seeing interracial couples, especially when it seems evident that they are from different cultures. Some people envy these women and others judge them. The one thing I have learned is that no situation is always as it seems. Just as people from the same culture can be in a toxic relationship, that is the same way people from different cultures can also be in toxic relationships.

What can we do about this situation? Well the most important thing is that we need to Educate ourselves and the people in our communities!!! Those of us in developing nations need to educate other women in these nations so they know that everything they see on TV is not real. Developed nations have their problems just like developing nations do. No race has perfect human being. A Caucasian man can be as evil as an Asian or an African. Those developed nation citizens interested in doing something can look to having legislation put in place to protect immigrant women and children. Do not let these perverts use your collective names to abuse and degrade innocent victims.

There is so much to be said about this topic, I am just touching on the surface here but that is all it should take. Go educate yourself and tell a friend. Ignorance is never a good enough excuse.

“Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. ‘For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ “Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? ‘And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? ‘When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’“The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’
“Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ “Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’ “Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ “These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

We are the perfect couple, we're just not in the perfect situation.

Lovesit!!!! This skirt is absolutely fun and fresh and with Fall (Autumn) coming up, you can throw a pair of cute tights (any of the colors on the skirt) and voila, one hot mama!!! You know the drill by now. Me no affordy...but if you affordy please buy-y two :). Click on the link to buy this$1086(70% off) Emanuel Ungaro ruched silk chiffon skirt. For everyone who is like me and cannot afford this, Express has a cute version which you can find here for $50.

"Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad, because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss...Mimi"

As you can tell by now, today's topic is going to be on long distance relationships (which totally suck by the way). I am not a stranger to long distance relationships. Infact I think out of my *ahem* slightly numerous boyfriends *ahem*, only a handful have not been long distance.

Based on my history, you could consider me a pro at this kind of relationship. Now although they can be hard, long distance relationships can also offer a lot of benefits that being together may not. For example, not always being together means you can learn to be independent and do the things you like to do in your own time. It also means that you can properly plan the time that you do get to spend together and make sure that time is meaningful and well spent. Long distance relationships also allow you to focus on you, when its time to work you work and when its time to play you play (i.e., when the significant other is not around you can focus on doing other things and when he or she comes around you can have fun together).

Long distance relationships sound fun dont they? You get to have your cake and eat it at the same time. Yummmmmm!!!! Well its time for a cake diet! :). While long distance relationships have their benefits, some times they can lead to the demise of relationships that in traditional face to face settings might have had a good chance of surviving. How is this you ask? Well the major factor is COMMUNICATION or perhaps a LACK of communication.

It takes two very dedicated people to successfully maneuver or deal with a long distance relationship. Dedication here goes beyond thinking and wanting the other person, but actively ensuring that your channels of communication are constantly open and working. Long distance relationships do not have the benefit of traditional relationships, so things that you may have learned while interacting with the person on a day to day basis, you have to try harder to learn by listening to the person and asking questions and responding to any question. Suppression or concealment is a long distance relationship killer. I will not even call it its kryptonite, no it is not a slow death, it will kill a relationship right there and then!

Communicating. But Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. *sigh*. Yes I know. Having researched communication styles of the different genders, I know that the way men and women communicate is vastly different even if they share the same feelings. Every man and woman is different and it is the responsibility of the other in the relationship to truly understand who they are dating and how this person communicates. Most of the time, we hear stories about how all men especially in long distance relationships do not do enough to show that they want to be in said relationships. They dilly dally until the woman is out the door and then do everything to get them back. This may be true or a fallacy, do you want it to be your situation though? I doubt it.

Most women who have been in a (failed) long distance relationship will put it all on the man. Well when we started he was always on the phone, always texting, sending emails etc. and now he cannot even be bothered to send a text once in awhile. (Which may be true) But do these women call these men out on these issues? We as women like to do the psychic thing. I think it, therefore you must know it. Unfortunately, though some well trained men (like most of my exes, you are welcome) may pick up on these subtle things, most will not get it and think everything is hunky dory.

Most men who have been in a (failed) long distance relationship will put it all on the woman. Well when we started she wasnt so needy, she wasnt so possessive, so distrustful etc. (Which may be true). But do these men call their women out on these issues? Research suggests (yeah when you say research suggests it just makes everything sound credible doesnt it? lol) that men have a set way of communicating and they do not see themselves as changing.

Can you see the problem here? While the woman is blaming the man for doing all the changing, the man is blaming her for doing all the changing when in reality they have both changed to fit their changing/changed situation but they did not change in sync (yes it is possible). Now do not get it "tweested" as Naa would say, these are problems that one can find in everyday tface to face raditional relationships too. The only difference is that with traditional relationships, at least you see the person regularly to assuage any misgivings you might have about your relationship. Whereas in long distance relationships, lack of effective communication leaves these issues to build insecurities which fester and rot the distance between the two hearts. (On some serious poetic imagery right here). :)

Tying in with this issue of communication (between the two) is the issue of validation. (communicating to the world about the two). In a traditional relationship, you do not have to announce to the world that you are together, seeing the two of you show up to every event should let even the slowest person get it. Yes they are together. In a long distance relationship,this is slightly more difficult and harder to maneuver. (Hence the ability of my various exes to cheat, the thing is I never met any of their friends and they never met me so when it did come out that there was cheating going on I was the one they did not know it was ...who are YOU again?...and you started dating him WHEN? *sigh*)

I have no clear solution for you on the validation issue. I am a work in progress myself, the only thing I can suggest is that if by the 6th - 8th month you havent seen or been introduced to anyone...umm check please? :). I could be wrong though but seriously. It has never taken more than 6 months for me to meet anyone's parents/friends/favorite pet you get the gist ...long distance or not. (Im just saying!!!). Every situation is different though. You need to feel out your mate and figure out what is a good cut off time for you, your situation may be different from mine. Whatever the situation is, you and your partner need to visit this issue of validation and work it out to the point where both of you are comfortable.

*Insert guy thought here* "Why do women care about validation? I say I am with you, I call you my wifey *sidenote I dislike that term, I am a girlfriend, a fiancee or a wife...never a wifey, shortey etc.* Why do you want to make this an issue more than it has to be? Do you want me to tweet about you? Have our facebook profiles changed to dating, have a special ring tone for you (maybe Usher's My Boo) why does what the rest of the world think about us have to matter to you if you say its only about me and you?"
This is usually where I run because he is kicking game. My thing is that Men have no problem letting the world know the things they "stan" for...favorite designers, favorite teams, favorite lyrics, favorite etc...and yet I am supposed to be your favorite girl and you want to keep me hidden???? *where they do that at?* I am gone...If you want me and not ashamed of me ...let the rest of the world know you do...let there be no shame in THAT game.

Now we have looked at some of the interesting aspects of long distance relationships, class dismissed!!!! I keed, I keed. In the next section, I look at some tools that people in long distance relationships can employ to avoid the many pitfalls that they may encounter in their unique dating situation.

1. Communication - this is essential. Without effective communication, you and your mate are going nowhere fast (if anywhere at all with your relationship). Talk it all out, always and every time. Talk about your insecurities, talk about happy times, talk about sad times, talk about money, or a lack of it, talk about jobs, talk about likes, talk about dislikes just talk talk talk...let your other mate be your personal diary the one person you are able to run to and just spill your guts to. (Otherwise what are you doing in your relationship?)

2. Praying - This is my only sanity when I think I want to shake the boyfriend (just a little shake not too often though :)). Pray, pray, pray. When your mind is busy and filled with prayer, the devil has less leeway to put insecure thoughts in your head. Praying can also help you figure out if you are truly meant to weather the storm together, or if your mate is a helpful mate on the journey to someone else. Pray Pray Pray. I cannot emphasis this enough.

3. Trusting - Yeah the big one for me. You say one thing and my mind comes up with a million ways you meant something else...yeah for people working through prior insecurities (both men and women, baby steps is all I can say, Baby steps!!!!)
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."I John. IV. 18

4. Compasssion/Empathy - Try not to let everything always be about you. Oh if you loved me you would have thought to buy that victoria secret underwear I have been hinting about. Oh if you loved me you would let me go to the games with my boys instead of staying here on the phone with you (even though we havent spoken in a week). Try to always put yourself in the other persons shoes and see how your actions might be impacting that person. In a long distance relationship, you may have to sacrifice some immediate satisfaction to obtain a long term goal. Do not keep track of these sacrifices, do it for the good of the relationships and never , "oh but the last time I did this or I did that", it is not a competition.
"Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth."
1 John 3:18

5. Planning - Even if you are not a planner at heart, you need to learn to plan plan plan. You have a limited amount of time that you will spend with this significant other. You cannot do things by ear. You will waste more time trying to decide what it is you actually want to do versus doing these things and enjoying that time together. So plan plan plan. Do not be afraid to make short, long and longer term plans. Personally, I live a very structured life (or I used to), I knew what I was doing a month from now, 2 months from now, next year etc. (yeah I know man proposes and God disposes but I had a rough sketch.) Right now due to unforseen situations like a lack of JOB I cannot plan things as much as I did before. You know what I am doing instead? I am planning this unemployment stage into my major life plan (ah hah!). Planning is important in a long distance relationship to see where you have been, where you are going and where you hope to end up. You are committed in a long distance relationship, how much more commitment does it take to plan out things? Without counsel plans fail,but with many advisers they succeed. Proverbs 15:22.

6. Having fun - making fun. Ok so you cannot go on a date every weekend or cuddle anytime you want to. Boo hoo, in this technologically mediated society, there are so many tools one can use to their advantage. Buy a webcam. Have dinner in front of the webcam once a month, why cant that be your date night? Watch a program together on tv, play an online game etc. etc. there are so many fun things to do and so many things you can learn about your significant other in this time you are apart.

Long distance relationships can really suck if you are not ready to deal with them or approach them like you would a traditional face to face relationship. You cannot expect to screw in a nail with a hammer so you cannot expect the things you expected or did in a face to face relationship to work in a long distance one. You have to learn to adapt to this different kind of relationship and learn to adapt to your mate. Prayer and communication are the 2 main things you need and the rest should fall into place. If the person is worth it, being apart will only make you stronger, and if they are not...oh well you wasted money :). Long distance relationships suck, but your partner should make it absolutely worth it. ...Love comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith." 1 Timothy 1:5

"May the Lord bless you and keep you. May His Light always be with thee. May He keep you safe from harm, and shield you from all wrong. May He grant you his peace. May He guide you on your way. Bring you joy with each new day." The Benediction.

Here's my number, if I am the ONE use it, if I'm not...Lose it!

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This is a Ruelala special and no they are not paying me to advertise (sadly). But yeah I was thinking of fun things to do and I thought...hmmm...a nice vacation (paid) would be awesome for either Naa or myself's birthday. *Sigh* and I'll keep dreaming. Anyways if you fall in love with this place, check out Ruelala.com and sign up for more discounts like these :).

Moving right along. Today's post is going to be about the Single ladies :). Resist the urge to burst into Beyonce's single ladies song. Urge resisted? Good. Onto the important issues :). Ok so although I am not a single lady (the pessimist in me says hey anyone could become a single lady not even marriages are safe anymore so this applies to all of us). *Disclaimer* sigh...this applies to single ladies who actually do not WANT to be single so please spare me the Independent woman speech.*

Being single is not a ride in the park, but it is not a death sentence either. Yes, when I was single (especially at my age which we will for the sake of argument say is 25 *cough* *choke* *cough*) I was beginning to get desperate. Ok why lie, I was not beginning, I WAS desperate!!!(Don't judge me). Thoughts like these populated my mind, "Why does no man want me, I am pretty enough, successful enough, God fearing enough, I cook, I clean blah blah blah." I simply could not understand why no man saw how much of a Good catch I was or I could be. Some people (my haters) suggested that I was too picky and to try to lower my standards. In the interest of democracy, I tried that a few times and realized it was just not for me. I could honestly say that I would rather be single and happy (well relatively happier than I would be in a bad relationship) than be in a 10/90 relationships where I was giving the 90.

I tried all sorts of dating, online dating, (well not speed dating because we did not have a chance to go), blind dates, friend referrals dates, the direct I want you to date me date, you name it I did it all in my quest to find that man who would be for me and me alone. Every prospective guy (or any shmuck I thought was cute and could speak/write English) got the "can I see myself married to him" "how many kids will we have" run through. Yes even if we had just spoken for 10 minutes :). Yes I was THAT bad!!! I had so much love to give and I wanted to force it, sorry I mean GIVE it to someone, anyone!!!!

There were men that used this neediness to their own advantage. I wont mention names and we can just call them what I call them, ediot 1, ediot 2 etc. The important thing I learned from these men was that I could do so much better and not settle no matter what anyone else said. Foolish men!!! Ugh!!!

As if these horrible men were not bad enough, I had to deal with being the dreaded third wheel. It could have been worse though. I was lucky that the two people I hung around the most , did not live in my area and did not have their men around all the time. I think that would have pushed me off the edge a bit. Having friends especially close friends with men (who supposedly) treat them right can be very difficult when you are single. Yeah you could dump those friends and find other single friends ...now why didnt I think of that earlier?:). I keed I keed those men fed me so I have nothing but good things to say about them.

So you are single and you pray and you pray and you pray and you pray and you watch people around you who seemingly do not live the truly "Christian" life find "good" men and lead happy committed lives. All that makes you think, makes you question God, it makes you want to say you know what, I am tired of this mess. You feel like the second son in the prodigal son story. You stayed, you did everything that was/is asked of you, go to church, you dont sleep around, you give alms, you PRAY, you are a GOOD person! and what do you get for all this? Diddly squat. The ONE thing you ask God for, (just one mind you), he cant or wont come through for you.

Oh and during this hard enough time, lets not forget the "good" advice that everyone else wants to give you when you are single. "Oh he will come when you least expect it. Oh God knows best. Oh blah, oh blah...oh ...(BS!!!)" No one is trying to hear about how their soul mate is going to come when they least expect it, they want that soul mate NOW! Now with the ring, the perfect children, the perfect houses etc. NOW! Enough with the adages and the wise words of future and then and thens (use of and then and then is copyrighted to Naa).

Well, unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, it does not happen that way. We do not or cannot wish our perfect relationships into existence by screaming NOW NOW NOW. Everything happens for a reason and the more we accept that and truly believe that God has a purpose for us, single or not, the better we will be for it. So you are single, does that mean you cannot enjoy everything a person in a relationship enjoys? You want to take a trip somewhere with a special person? Good! Grab a few girlfriends and go. You want to go on a date and have fun? Everyone has that friend or family member they enjoy time with, grab them and go. You want to feel like someone is thinking about you, missing you, wanting you...what are good friends for? Or better yet use that time to think, meditate and pray. Replace the bad habit or thinking bad thoughts with the good habit of praying when these trying times pop up.

Now I am not stupid nor I am trying to downplay how lonely one can feel when single and wanting someone to love. What I am saying is that do not put your current life on hold while waiting for this person and your possible future. Who knows, maybe it is the things you do in your meantime (whilst waiting) that will give you the tools to enjoy this person even more when they come. Take me for example. I have always and probably will always love food. While dating, I would always go to the most expensive restaurants etc. and ooh and ahh at the food. When I became single, I did not have the money to go to these expensive restaurants. What did I do? I decided to learn how to make all the dishes I craved from good times passed. Now I can make food so good (most of the time) it will make you want to confess (certain things) :). You dont have to learn to cook, pick up a hobby, learn a new language, pick up kick boxing ...just do something that makes you very happy. You will realize you spend less time thinking about how you do not have someone and more time looking forward to doing that activity again.

Confidence attracts people. I think that is why I get hit on more when I am dating or in a relationship. One of my friends told me once that men can smell the neediness of single chicks. I did not believe him, but I think he might have a point. When you are completely comfortable and confident in yourself, you give off a certain vibe. A certain aura that lets people know they cannot mess with you. It is not a case of you bringing yourself down to meet people, it becomes a reversed situation of people elevating themselves to meet you at your high level. Isn't that a better option?

Everyday I try to learn a little bit more about relationships and about myself. I was the girl who until a few weeks ago (after countless failed dates and men who could not spell) said F*CK IT!!! God if you dont want me to have a man FINE! Do what you want to, I am OVER IT!
And what does he do? He sends me a man :). Is he THE ONE? I do not know, I am praying about it and time will tell. But this is my point; God sends you what you need when you need it. ( I don't think you have to be as mean as I was, swearing and all, but he understands that I was frustrated :).

So single women please break the cycle of whining and depressive talk etc. Being single is and will never be a death sentence. Do the things you love to do, lets all love ourselves above no one else and keep God first in everything. Let us make our prayer, "Lord I think I want a man/woman (side eye) but in all things thy will be done" and leave it at that. Our good Lord did not bring us this far in our lives to suddenly stop and fail us. Have faith, believe that God wants nothing but the best for you and enjoy your life exactly as it is now, it is THE Present! :)

UPDATED TO SAY: Due to the "interest" in this topic and various perspectives others have shared...expect a part 2 soon :)

Prayer to St. Raphael, Angel of Happy Meetings

O Raphael, lead us towards those we are waiting for, those who are
waiting for us! Raphael, Angel of Happy Meetings, lead us by the hand
towards those we are looking for! May all our movements, all their
movements, be guided by your Light and transfigured by your joy.

Angel guide of Tobias, lay the request we now address to you at the feet
of Him on whose unveiled Face you are privileged to gaze. Lonely and
tired, crushed by the separations and sorrows of earth, we feel the need
of calling to you and of pleading for the protection of your wings, so
that we may not be as strangers in the Province of Joy, all ignorant of
the concerns of our country.

Remember the weak, you who are strong--you whose home lies beyond the
region of thunder, in a land that is always peaceful, always serene, and
bright with the resplendent glory of God.
Amen.