Fear and yet ...Anticipation...where did I drop my Manual on Life??

I need these shoes in my life...(I think)...they are everything a formal shoe should be.Formal in the sense that it would be used for serious occasions. I can so see myself strutting around the office in these babies. *sigh*...office...work...me no havey any *sigh*...BTW these babies are "only" $520...50% off their original price of $1040 and they are Lanvin's.

Moving hurriedly along. So this has been one of the craziest/weirdest week's I have ever ever had...or at least I've had this year. So this $th of July weekend, I decided to spend not holed up at home (as usual) but to go visit a friend where I met some interesting men. Now maybe I have lost the manual to dating but these guys dont seem to be doing the regular hit and run approach. What do I mean??? Meet, if you seem into it lie to you get you into bed and run...end of story.

Ok so we met for a bbq/party (in the day), I lied and said I would show up later on in the evening at a club (of course I wouldn't I was tired). Now typically, I would expect guys to be like ok this girl is too much trouble and just keep it moving with the other girls that were around them. Can you believe every single one of the guys called me (some to offer rides to the club, others to plan lunch the next day etc. etc.) That was quite shocking to me. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am ugly and don't deserve attention, I just didn't know guys to chase fish in pond that was not easily accessible...

Fast forward to the next day, they all called and tried to see me again. (again this is weird, I didn't show up last night you probably met other girls and got their numbers why not hang with them?) And now one of them has picked up the habit of texting me good morning and good night...(which I think is sweet)...Kojo started and now has stopped (minus points for him :)).

Ok so all the above is not even the weird part...yes I got LOADS of attention (though I didn't enjoy it, it was funny I felt like a trapped rabbit with everyone trying to stand out it was a bit overwhelming...maybe I need someone to psychoanalyze that or me). Ok, the weird part is that this was not just over this weekend, suddenly I am getting attention from everyone!!!! Guys I haven't spoken to in YEARS are suddenly calling constantly to "check up on me", random guys in the streets want to go on dates (and no I haven't changed anything about myself)...Now if big Kevin calls that would just be the end, Ill know Jesus is truly coming. lol. Naa thinks I should ride the wave but I don't like the feeling. I am very black and white and want to always know whats going on so this is a bit unnerving.

Oh and to make matters all the even more complicated, all this attention is happening when I just met someone I am trying to get to know better.(*blush* he makes me smile). All this makes it a bit hard because I am trying to keep an open mind about everyone. I am not 'dating' said person yet (well he hasn't mentioned exclusivity) so I don't want to set myself up and stop meeting other people. I doubt he has stopped looking at/meeting other women so we wait and see *sigh*. How stupid will I look if HE finds someone (closer to where he lives) and throws up the deuces at me? Then I am stuck looking like an E-diot :(!

I don't know who will end up being the "one", I mean I have my favorite but I don't know if he is it (yet) :) above all my wants and likes I want God to do the choosing for me. I wish God would just point ONE guy out and be like yeah pick him cause this buffet is just confusing. So far this one person sticks out just because of our religious background and we seem to agree on a lot of the same things but then he also has some crimson red flags and I am not trying to repeat the Kyle experience! (What is the Kyle experience? Short version met online was the perfect gentleman did all the cute things emailed, called, texted (alllllllllllllllllllllllllll the time), met in person and he turned out to be a snake. He is the one thing I regret in my life) and that experience almost crushed my spirit so I don't want a repeat). So I stay praying, not forcing and trusting in the will of God above all things. :)...

At the end of this "rainy" season when my dry spell begins I want to be able to feel as though I did everything in my power without changing who I was to accommodate anyone else...( compromise but not be changed). Even if we don't end up as lovers I would like to make some good friends out of these prospects. I wish, hope and pray Prince Charming is among this bunch but I guess Man proposes and God disposes....Pray for and with me that God uses the "bad apples" to show the true one for me :) or just call a psychiatrist and refer me whichever works for you :)

If nothing at all the rest of 2010 seems as if its going to be a very interesting period...stay tuned...

The grass is greener on the other side…unless you are an anorexic bovine then you don't care…

So I think I am going to stop the shiny and go for studs now...they look so hot!!!...This is a def. double duty shoe...you look hot and if someone pisses you off it can be a weapon (no I am not advocating violence just a little tap) :)...Well if you can afford this (cause I cant), its the Sam Edelman Lorissa pump its "only" $200 at Bloomingdales...

Onto the next topic...this week my demons have really been working overtime and just haunting the hell OUT of me…or should I say the heaven since they are from hell and want to haunt the hell INTO me? Ahhh see what I mean? Ramblings of a soon to be psycho “but well dressed” me!..ugh. Anyways so what is my beef this week…same old same old…cant find a job…seem to only attract perverts or old men blah blah blah. And then to top it all off…find out that my ex friend’s boyfriend is a complete hunk…while I have umm…SQUAT!! I don’t know about you but pain is pain when someone is an ex- anything (yeah yeah you wish them the best and all) but come on we both know you secretly wish a piano or an organ ....ok ok maybe just a violin will come from heaven once in awhile and hit them (not too often though). But yeah I wish I had been falsely accused of trying to steal this man I would have yelled guilty (even without being guilty). *sigh*

It is insanity to do the same thing, the same way, over and over and expect a different results...story of my life or at least my dating life. Here is the cycle: Find a guy, (he must be physically attractive; at least to me don’t care much what anyone else thinks *sue me*), get with guy, get tired of guy cause hes only about the physical (wait for it) get over guy and meet new guy and rinse and repeat! And you know the funny part of all this? Usually I am the one who pushes a conversation or a meeting to the sexual/physical realm. Here is my reasoning…if I push it to the sexual and he indulges me then obvs he is not for me (case of I was jumping off a cliff would you do it too?). Don’t get me wrong I accept that as humans we are all sexual beings but there is a time and place for everything. Yes Francis would say and I quote..."you know you are crazy right?"...probably...

I honestly don't know why I keep repeating this cycle, I think in my head the first guy to tell me to stop and just be myself will be the true guy for me? Does that make sense? I hope so cause I felt crazy writing it. :)...and the smart person will say, ok why are you putting it on the guy, why dont you start out simply not condoning that type of behavior in the first place? *Good question* that I honestly do not have an answer for. Well i do but the answer is something I would not expect someone of my upbringing, education, religion etc. to give...but here it goes *before I go hide under a table somewhere*..."because I want them to like meeeeeeeeee"...again my thinking is that ok we get the dirty talk in but then I am able to infuse in some of me and they get to know the real me as well...*did you just give me a side eye and a child please* cause i truly deserved it lol...in all the time I have used this not once has it worked....dirty talk stays dirty till one of us gets bored...

So here is what is going to happen this time...this whole rinse and repeat cycle thing is going to stop. Its time to separate the men from the sheep with a new approach. Not exactly sure what this new approach will be but knowing me I will probably write about the results on here in the near future and then I can tweak the method until I find one that really works. I guess instead of thinking about talking about the real me for fear of being dropped I will focus on truly giving the true me and if someone doesnt like it they can eat dirt...*this is going to be hard to do*...stay tuned...

Its not you, its me...ok maybe it is you...ok its definitely you...

I have been on the look out for some fly wedges ...I figure I have enough stilettos plus wedges are more comfortable all day everyday so one does not bust her ass like Lady Gaga...Ok I laughed only once...sigh...you could not pay me enough to deal with the fashion drama she cooks up for herself, I would take Rhianna's comfy looks over her anyday...(and I do not even like rhi rhi like that)... side note anyone else think it is so creepy that Chris's ex looks a bit too much like Rhi? Here is Rhi and here is Jasmine...creepy...anyways neither Chris nor Rhi are putting any money in my account for paying attention to their lives so its right along I move...

So you know how I said this was the year for trying "something new"...well I dont know how "new" I am trying to get it. I think someone up in heaven just found my love button and is just messing with it to see how far it can go. So far I have met a gentleman thug (like the very Kuntrified kind) he knows he is very country which gets a *side eye* from the supposed *bougie* me but he is sweet so I say why not get to know him. I have an "old" friend who cannot seem to make up his mind when it comes to me, i.e., he cant seem to decide if he wants to date me or not, and I in turn will only agree to date him if he will let me make him over :)...I have 2 random guys I met online, one seems to get me but is seemingly obsessed with my body (which Francis says is a good thing) but I dont know, I mean my body is sick and all but ( I kid, I kid)...and another who seems on paper to be everything I should be jumping at, but there is absolutely no connection for me.( oh and I would need to change his style also) ...oh and lets not forget all the crazy old men I meet who absolutely fall in love (maybe I am reincarnated and they knew me in a past life??) Now you see why I think I am being punked. I am sure if I put all these men together (minus the old ones) I would have an amazing man but on their own there is nothing special sticking out about these "interesting" men. Which leads me to ask when one knows when enough is enough? At what point do you stop sticking your neck out and just sit ?

Stay tuned to find out how it turns out with these interesting characters...in the mean time I think these are 3 cardinal rules that people break when they are trying to meet someone new...do you break these rules?

1. Pretend to be something you are not: I find women doing this more than men. All of a sudden a woman who never liked football suddenly knows all the stats and wants to go to all the games. Slow your roll I am not buying it. It is ok to be yourself, if your significant other (to be) doesn't appreciate these little things that make you unique you have no future.

2. Getting with them in the meantime because He/She will change eventually: hahhahaha haha hahhahahaha....that is me laughing at YOU and I will keep laughing till pigs fly. Give it up...there are some things are so a part of us there is nothing you can do to rid us of these things...

3. Downplaying the things you are willing to compromise on: why? seriously why bother you are just spelling trouble for yourself down the line, be as completely honest as possible so if things ever go South at least you know you gave it your best and you were completely you.

Ok this is a very long post so going to end it now with a random thought (and being in communication I should have figured this out by now but oh well here it goes)...why do guys have such a jacked up mentality when it comes to keeping in touch? My thinking is, if you cared you would get in touch, if I do not hear from you, you are a back issue but then I have guys call me after a month or so and then act shocked when I am over it...like dude really???really?? Am I supposed to sit and twiddle my thumbs whilst you do what you have to do? Child please...if anyone has an explanation other than its just what men do I will be interested to hear it...

*sigh* life...wish it came with a users guide...:)