So although I do not have a picture of what I am currently lusting for up, one thing I am craving right now is a good aroma-therapeutic candle. Bath and Bodyworks has some good ones but the best I have come across so far is a brand called Scentsational. My sister-in-law gave me one as a gift a few years ago and I fell completely in love. Try it out and let me know what you think :).
Candles seem to be appropriate for today's topic. Exes, present mates and future mates. I had a good analogy about how candles were appropriate but I have forgotten?...*sigh* lol Moving right along...How prominent is your ex in your current relationship? Some would say that I should be the last person who should 'sanction' another about their exes since most of my exes are still my friends. My exes and I do things like everyday chatting, gossip (yes men gossip too), advice, name it and most of my exes will do it with me. In other words, I am still good friends with most of my exes (who are not married). This has sometimes presented a problem with the current (not my current) but in the past whoever was present then. Most people are of the thought that an ex should be just that, they have "ex-pired"and should keep it moving for the next person.
Candles seem to be appropriate for today's topic. Exes, present mates and future mates. I had a good analogy about how candles were appropriate but I have forgotten?...*sigh* lol Moving right along...How prominent is your ex in your current relationship? Some would say that I should be the last person who should 'sanction' another about their exes since most of my exes are still my friends. My exes and I do things like everyday chatting, gossip (yes men gossip too), advice, name it and most of my exes will do it with me. In other words, I am still good friends with most of my exes (who are not married). This has sometimes presented a problem with the current (not my current) but in the past whoever was present then. Most people are of the thought that an ex should be just that, they have "ex-pired"and should keep it moving for the next person.
Now I try as much as it is humanly possible to tell/show the present ones that the exes are just that...exes. Think about human nature, how many of us would be willing to let an ex stay chummy with their present mate (and I am not even talking about jealousy in this case, it just seems not to be the smartest thing to do). On the other hand, others might counter that people are exes for a reason, if it did not work the first time, then what makes one think it would work the second time around? How many of us are willing to risk finding out though lol?
I have been fortunate to never have had a man with an ex like myself, who was still close friends with him. I am honestly not sure how I would react in that situation. One thing I know, however, is that if the woman treated me how I treat my exes present girlfriends (with respect showing them I know they are the present and I am the past and absolutely no threat to them or their relationship) then there would be no problems. However, there are some women/men who do not want their exes back and do not want them to be with anyone else too. If that was the kind of woman she was, I might have to fall back for my peace of mind. If I have to try too hard for any relationship then it is not worth it. If he truly cared he would make sure I never felt less than secure in the relationship. There are many kinds of exes, too many to count and list here but here are some interesting ones that came to mind.
Dead exes? Exes who are exes because of their untimely passing? Some people (more women I feel) are hesitant to date a man who had a dead ex because they feel like those are some impossible to fill shoes. Even if so called ex was not perfect, we usually remember only the good in relationships so all his memories will be of the fond times and she can make no mistakes shes dead...and you are alive and seemingly making all the mistakes. Other women, however, would have no problem dating a man with a dead ex as morbid as it sounds, she is never coming back so he will have to deal and move on. It would be interesting to get a guy's perspective on dating a woman with a dead ex but we do not have it now so we will save that for when we can find a guy we can ask.
Then come the exes with children. Children change every situation and that warrants a whole post on its own...but I personally do not think I could/would get into a relationship with a guy who had a baby mama, children change that equation.
Then exes with chronic illnesses or who have gone through a traumatic experience with your current partner? They did not break up because of the illness/trauma, and they are still friends because they shared this experience together. How does that make you the newbie feel? Can you date a man or woman with this kind of baggage? I do not think I could, just because I would not be able to relate, if he has nightmares etc. my empathy might seem contrived and condescending...(J might call BS! to this point and go on about something but he would just get a side eye from me).
What about the ex who still lives in his/her area and is known by everyone (including his family) as THE ONE. I actually have been in this situation (lucky me) and since I was the ex it really was not a problem for me. I do not know how the other girls felt. I would think that it would be very difficult to always go out with your man and have people ask about the ex (as opposed to you) or even worse if the ex is in the same circle of friends and you constantly bump into her. Some of my exes have been good with this with their new girls and tried not to ruffle their feathers, and others have tried to lie their way out of situations (they broke up)...*Lesson of the day: if you have an ex that was the ONE and he/she became a number TWO let it go...break off all communication there is nothing useful that can come of that*
Some people make the ex issue bigger than it really needs to be. Ok we met, we discussed dating, and talked about our exes. We also discussed never talking about said exes. Then you are constantly bringing said person up in our discussions, oh X would have said this, or X thinks this, or X does it this way *side eye*...I dated a guy once who swore he was very very very over his ex and yet they would still go out for dinner, he would accompany her to certain things, she would still come over and hang out and was constantly texting him. Now I am not a jealous person so I did not care, I just made it very clear to him that I knew my net worth and if he could not appreciate me and just me without the EXcesses then I would walk. He did not believe me until I left and was with someone else :) *Lesson of the day, flaunting your exes doesn't make you look cool, (oh wow you bagged all those gorgeous women?) it just takes your new relationship nowhere*
When you come to my place, there is a picture of an ex still up for no good reason except that it fits the decor. No we are not together, will probably never get together again (never say never I know but in this case) etc. etc. but I notice most guys visiting seem slightly bothered by it but never say anything. I plan to take it down one of these days (before the next visit) just because I think/know if I walked into my boyfriends place and saw a pic of his ex even if Michelangelo took it...I would want it down immediately!!! Not for jealousy or anything but it just doesn't "look" right.
The relationship with exes is a complex and interesting one, one I think current daters should be careful to discuss before moving on so you know where you both stand. It seems to be a taboo topic though, oh if I talk about my ex then it means I have some feelings for them still. That is stupid. I want to know what you think about your ex, for example,I have a thing about dating people who bash their exes, (what if I become an ex?)no thanks. I can also feel out when someone is not completely over their ex and just want you to replace what they felt with that ex, so in essence you are dating them, and they are dating the feeling they had with said ex, but hey I can be wrong (sometimes :)). I think that it is important to know your partner, know their exes, and in most case, the reasons why they broke up, personally I think that could strengthen your present relationship by avoiding those pot holes. Others prefer not to know anything and go into the relationship and make their own mistakes (even if it is repeating the same mistakes) for these people the old adage "ignorance is bliss" is very apropo.
Dating, relationships, exes, and everything in between is complicated, difficult and sometimes makes you wonder why we even bother. (Till you remember how the other person makes you feel) For me, communication and prayers are my only sanity (well these days, in the past I would just stalk you lol). It is always interesting to hear other peoples views on these...so spill...Exes suck but they should not be the focus of your relationships and if they are you need THE TALK...
I have been fortunate to never have had a man with an ex like myself, who was still close friends with him. I am honestly not sure how I would react in that situation. One thing I know, however, is that if the woman treated me how I treat my exes present girlfriends (with respect showing them I know they are the present and I am the past and absolutely no threat to them or their relationship) then there would be no problems. However, there are some women/men who do not want their exes back and do not want them to be with anyone else too. If that was the kind of woman she was, I might have to fall back for my peace of mind. If I have to try too hard for any relationship then it is not worth it. If he truly cared he would make sure I never felt less than secure in the relationship. There are many kinds of exes, too many to count and list here but here are some interesting ones that came to mind.
Dead exes? Exes who are exes because of their untimely passing? Some people (more women I feel) are hesitant to date a man who had a dead ex because they feel like those are some impossible to fill shoes. Even if so called ex was not perfect, we usually remember only the good in relationships so all his memories will be of the fond times and she can make no mistakes shes dead...and you are alive and seemingly making all the mistakes. Other women, however, would have no problem dating a man with a dead ex as morbid as it sounds, she is never coming back so he will have to deal and move on. It would be interesting to get a guy's perspective on dating a woman with a dead ex but we do not have it now so we will save that for when we can find a guy we can ask.
Then come the exes with children. Children change every situation and that warrants a whole post on its own...but I personally do not think I could/would get into a relationship with a guy who had a baby mama, children change that equation.
Then exes with chronic illnesses or who have gone through a traumatic experience with your current partner? They did not break up because of the illness/trauma, and they are still friends because they shared this experience together. How does that make you the newbie feel? Can you date a man or woman with this kind of baggage? I do not think I could, just because I would not be able to relate, if he has nightmares etc. my empathy might seem contrived and condescending...(J might call BS! to this point and go on about something but he would just get a side eye from me).
What about the ex who still lives in his/her area and is known by everyone (including his family) as THE ONE. I actually have been in this situation (lucky me) and since I was the ex it really was not a problem for me. I do not know how the other girls felt. I would think that it would be very difficult to always go out with your man and have people ask about the ex (as opposed to you) or even worse if the ex is in the same circle of friends and you constantly bump into her. Some of my exes have been good with this with their new girls and tried not to ruffle their feathers, and others have tried to lie their way out of situations (they broke up)...*Lesson of the day: if you have an ex that was the ONE and he/she became a number TWO let it go...break off all communication there is nothing useful that can come of that*
Some people make the ex issue bigger than it really needs to be. Ok we met, we discussed dating, and talked about our exes. We also discussed never talking about said exes. Then you are constantly bringing said person up in our discussions, oh X would have said this, or X thinks this, or X does it this way *side eye*...I dated a guy once who swore he was very very very over his ex and yet they would still go out for dinner, he would accompany her to certain things, she would still come over and hang out and was constantly texting him. Now I am not a jealous person so I did not care, I just made it very clear to him that I knew my net worth and if he could not appreciate me and just me without the EXcesses then I would walk. He did not believe me until I left and was with someone else :) *Lesson of the day, flaunting your exes doesn't make you look cool, (oh wow you bagged all those gorgeous women?) it just takes your new relationship nowhere*
When you come to my place, there is a picture of an ex still up for no good reason except that it fits the decor. No we are not together, will probably never get together again (never say never I know but in this case) etc. etc. but I notice most guys visiting seem slightly bothered by it but never say anything. I plan to take it down one of these days (before the next visit) just because I think/know if I walked into my boyfriends place and saw a pic of his ex even if Michelangelo took it...I would want it down immediately!!! Not for jealousy or anything but it just doesn't "look" right.
The relationship with exes is a complex and interesting one, one I think current daters should be careful to discuss before moving on so you know where you both stand. It seems to be a taboo topic though, oh if I talk about my ex then it means I have some feelings for them still. That is stupid. I want to know what you think about your ex, for example,I have a thing about dating people who bash their exes, (what if I become an ex?)no thanks. I can also feel out when someone is not completely over their ex and just want you to replace what they felt with that ex, so in essence you are dating them, and they are dating the feeling they had with said ex, but hey I can be wrong (sometimes :)). I think that it is important to know your partner, know their exes, and in most case, the reasons why they broke up, personally I think that could strengthen your present relationship by avoiding those pot holes. Others prefer not to know anything and go into the relationship and make their own mistakes (even if it is repeating the same mistakes) for these people the old adage "ignorance is bliss" is very apropo.
Dating, relationships, exes, and everything in between is complicated, difficult and sometimes makes you wonder why we even bother. (Till you remember how the other person makes you feel) For me, communication and prayers are my only sanity (well these days, in the past I would just stalk you lol). It is always interesting to hear other peoples views on these...so spill...Exes suck but they should not be the focus of your relationships and if they are you need THE TALK...
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”
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