Finally, something I can afford from the Outnet.com. I say "afford" meaning I could get rid of a lung (I got 2) or (an eye) or one of my body parts in order to afford this. That's all semantics though, I could "afford" it and that's all that matters. :). This beautiful (I die for the embellishments) Manoush Embellished velvet gilet is oh so hot! I would probably love it more if it were a proper jacket though. If you love it more than I do, you can find it here for $154.00...enjoy.
I have nothing useful to rave or rant about today so I will just give you the link to some hook ups going on now or in the immediate future.
First of all, spa week is coming up. I was not going to look into getting anything done, but I have seen a nice microdermabrasion treatment I might look into. Silly me I did not even explain what spa week is/was. Spa week is a few days ever so often that certain spa's give certain treatments on discount. Whatever advertised treatment they have will be $50.00. So if the treatment is $180 usually, for spa week you can get it for $50. Pretty sweet right? For more about Spa week click here.
The other interesting thing that ties in with this spa week is restaurant week. Now this varies from state to state so be sure to Google it for your area and you might find some awesome dining deals.
Ruelala.com has some fun vacation ideas...for example, there is this 3-Night Getaway Package in a Junior Oceanfront Suite. Make an exciting escape to a beautiful Jamaican resort and experience the island as never before with ultra-exclusive perks. 3 Nights for $1200 (does not include airfare though) they also have a 5 night option.
There is also a 5-Night Getaway Package in a Junior Oceanfront Suite option. Retreat to the gorgeous island of Jamaica and vacation in style at a renowned Caribbean resort with ultra-exclusive perks. This package goes for $2000.00 :) something fun to do after all the New year headache?
If I think about anything else you will be the first to know. Remember, to sign up for Ruelala.com please click here.
A good friend shared what I am sharing with you below and got me reflecting on the idea of how we prepare ourselves. Well in this Julien McDonald Crystal Embellished dress you would be VERY prepared to cause some major havoc...I love!!! You know the drill, click here for the link. Its on sale for $2320.50, 50% off.
Moving right along. So I was just sitting around today when Trix sent me this thought provoking email. I have been struggling with the idea of planning and time management since Saturday. As I mentioned before, I am someone who likes things very planned out. I can go with the flow, but I PREFER to know where the flow is going.
Watching the Suze Orman on Saturday almost drove me into depression. I was seeing people my age with "savings", 401ks etc. etc. and I am sitting with squat to my name. Not having a job and all the problems that come with over qualifications and legalities, suddenly hit me again. Panic set in and the questions started up, should I abandon ship in search of better lands (and possibly lose the man) or stay and invest time in him and not quit on this land of supposed milk and honey? Then I thought, what if he isn't the one and 4 years down the way I am kicking myself because of missed opportunities...(yeah and YOU thought you had issues lol).
What if, what could, what, when, why, where questions have just been racing through my mind. So you can see how the reflection below was quite timely. If I say and truly believe that everything good happens in God's own time, then my fretting is just the Devil working on overtime. He gets a pass for now but by tomorrow its game over...I need to let it go and leave it all in God's hands. I have tried to prepare myself to the best of my ability, the rest I leave up to God to fix, make new or make better :). How prepared are YOU?
“So Boaz took Ruth and she became his wife.” Ru 4:13 NKJV
Look at the instructions Naomi gave Ruth for approaching Boaz, her future husband, and you’ll see that there’s a certain protocol involved in walking with God. Once you understand it, the things you’ve been waiting for begin to happen.
So:
(1) Be sure it’s God’s will for you. Ruth wasn’t looking for just any man, she had a specific one in mind. And because Naomi had done her homework, she was able to tell Ruth where to find him: “He is winnowing barley tonight at the threshing floor” (Ru 3:2 NKJV). Research what you want from God before you start claiming things in prayer. Be sure it’s what He wants too! If your name’s not on it, don’t pursue it. Don’t go after something because it looks good in someone else’s life. God has a plan for you—one that’s unique and specific. Seek Him and He will reveal it to you.
(2) Deal with your past. Naomi said to Ruth, “Wash yourself” (Ru 3:3 NKJV). In order to gain acceptance with Boaz, Ruth couldn’t approach him looking and smelling like Moab, the famine-stricken place she’d come from. She needed to settle her past so it didn’t sabotage her future. God will open the door for you, but until you’ve resolved your old issues you won’t be able to walk through it. You can’t receive what He has for you now if you’re still contaminated by what you went through then. Whether it takes six months or six years, sort out your emotional baggage. God says: “Forget the former things…I am doing a new thing…I am making a way” (Isa 43:18-19 NIV).
Observe two more things Naomi taught Ruth, in preparation for meeting Boaz:
(3) Make sure you're in the right place. Naomi told Ruth, "Go down to the threshing floor" (Ru 3:3 NKJV). Why? Because that's where Boaz was! To receive what God has for you, you must be in the right place spiritually. Satan will tell you you're unworthy. He will try to convince you to stay where you are and to listen to those who'd keep you from where God wants you to be. He will make you feel out of place even when you're in the right place. Don't believe his lies; when God calls you He equips you, empowers you, and uses you for His glory.
(4) Understand the importance of timing. "Do not make yourself known to the man until..." (Ru 3:3 NKJV). Ruth had waited a long time for this moment; now she had to learn to be quiet because the person God planned to bless her through was sleeping. It's hard to be all keyed up about something nobody else is excited about; you want to get them excited too. But sometimes God says, "Wait." Stop working to make things happen before their time! Don't try to promote yourself. "The vision is yet for an appointed time...Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come" (Hab 2:3 NKJV). God may not respond when you think He should, but His timing is perfect. He has blessings with your name on them, and no matter how many others want them, when the time is right He will give them to you. This is seemingly directed at finding someone but I think we can apply it to a wider situation. We can make this very useful advice apply in different contexts. Let's think about this, in every move we make, how much better will the move be if we are sure it is God's will and not our own.? How better will it be also, if we leave all the insecurities of our past behind and go forward in God's way? ...Think about it and apply it.
God says: “Forget the former things…I am doing a new thing…I am making a way” (Isa 43:18-19 NIV). Let's believe this and see a new way come about...:)
I am not a big make up buff...i.e., I usually do not know what works well with other peoples skins etc. etc. I know what I need and that's about it. Up until I visited a friend who is a make up artist, I had no clue I actually needed a make up bag and have make up brushes etc. Anyways she educated me and to help me along my merry way, she gave me this YSL Gold celebration make up palette. I haven't used the eye shadows much but when I do, they really "pop" so if you want something that will pop and (I think its organic if I am not mistaken), then invest in a YSL eye shadow palette.
Moving right along. Last week was a roller coaster one for me. I was euphoric about the possibility of finally getting a job, and then depressed when the job was taken or I was not a good enough fit. It also probably did not help that I was pmsing. That week is over, however, and we are on to the next one. We hope this week brings better things :).
So I was going through my phone, cleaning out the junk messages etc. when I happened to look into my spam inbox and find a missed call from my "enabler". Now before we even go into details lets back track and discuss who an enabler is to you.
My definition of an enabler(negative) is someone who allows, permits, condones certain behaviors of mine that I know are not behaviors I should indulge in. He is the one who wants to come over and "just talk" with several bottles of wine. She is the one who always invites me to the mall or sends me "wonder" sale links. He is the one who wants me to believe that men and women can be friends and that includes "just sleeping" together in the same bed. *Side eye* You are starting to think about your own enabler(s) aren't you?
Good, now moving now. So I am cleaning my phone out and see a missed call or rather a spammed call from my enabler. A spammed call? Yes, Google voice has this amazing feature where you can block a number. A feature that normal cellphone companies do not have. With this feature, I can and have blocked all my enablers, this one included. What happens is that when this blocked person calls, they get a wrong message and go into your spam. They don't get hurt feelings, you do not know they called unless you check your spam.
So I see my spammed missed call from my enabler. This particular one, is a smooth talker. He is also very married and every time he has tried something and I have called him out on it, he swears he is just joking and we can be "just friends". *side eye* He usually spoils me with my first love (food) and that's how he sets me up every time. Pray for me! I was very tempted to call him back...visions of all the food I could eat and all the good wine I could imbibe oh so tempted me. But I resisted the urge. Want to know why?
It is pretty simple. When we give in to these enablers, essentially we do it at a risk to our happiness in the long run. Enablers are here to serve one purpose and one purpose alone. They work to take your eye off the prize. Every time I have dealt with my enablers, the one thing I realize is that they take me further away from what I hope to achieve. When I regain my senses, I am further away from what I wanted to be than before and then I have to trek back. *ugh* It is not worth it.
Just say No to enablers. Do not listen to that friend who tells you to give up on your dreams and that you are too old to do something or anything. Do not pay any mind to your family or friends who laugh at your dreams of finding a perfect mate. Do not ever settle for second best because at this point in the game, no one of class is "checking" for you. Stop listening to those stupid recruiters that tell you to take the lower paying job and to stop applying because the economy is hard and that's all you will get. Stop getting with the man who will not treat you like a queen. Quit that toxic woman who only wants to nag and fight. These are all examples of negative enablers, people who want you to believe that less than the best is all you are worth and all you can look forward to.
My enabler is pitiful to me now because everything he purports to offer, I know if I am patient and faithful I will get. I do not need to mess with a married man. If that is how I aim to get (and stay) happy in life (through messing with a married man), then God help me because my life is going to be very sad. I am very happy that even though I was slightly tempted, I did not succumb. Not paying attention to him and deleting his number again gave me great satisfaction.
Do not let your enablers distract you from your greater goal. You can do whatever it is you want to do with prayers and supplications. God is the one who decides your coming and your going, all you need to do is ask him and he says he will supply it. Let's quit these short cut people and be ready and willing to put in hard work to get where we want to be and where we know we ought to be. Pray pray pray and at the appropriate time, in the appropriate place it will come to be :).
1 Cor. 6:9-12
Or do you not know that the unrighteouswill not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.“All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be enslaved by anything.
To my enabler...Ive already got someone to "Hang with me" :)
Its amazing, how little, men know about lingerie. Appreciate it, YES...Know where to get it MAYBE...even Know how to get it off , Probably. But the intricacies involved in picking out the perfect piece of lingerie I say FAIL.
If you are lucky, your man may voice an opinion about his preference, and some men may even come shopping with you. Most men, however, prefer to just be surprised. Now in my past life I could "afford" the high end stuff. Now that I am broke and unemployed, I can no longer afford or even justify spending such amounts on things that will be seen for a few seconds.
If you are interested in the beauty in the picture, it is La Perla and you can find it here for "only" $435.00...the La Perla site can be found here, you can find more gems. *My preciousssssss*
Lingerie is very apt because of the topic I am going to be talking about today. The Guys might need it to placate their woman and women might need it to placate their incensed men. Works perfectly depending on the sinner in this situation.
Let's set the scenario:
You get all "prettified"/"hunkified" (hey if the American dictionary can see it fit to add lmao to their listing then I can say prettified/hunkified). You walk into a party, gathering, meeting with your significant other and there is some person who seems not to recognize that you guys came together (and will leave together). In other words, this random person is all over YOUR partner.
What would you do in that situation? (I can tell you right now that my heels will be coming off, earrings coming off....Of course not! I was raised better than to act like that. ) Now let's add an interesting aspect to this situation. Let's say your significant other is flirting back with said individual, where would you draw the line? Would you allow him/her to get this person's number? Why? Why not?
In all honesty, I would probably get mad and insulted initially, but in the interest of not acting like an ass like he is, I would probably turn around and do the same. At the end of the night we can see how many numbers we can end up. See you can choose to turn this into a bad thing and fight OR you can turn it into a game you will both benefit from by comparing who got more numbers, burn them up and go home and enjoy each other.
*Sound a vuvuzela*
Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait!!!!!! What about the disrespect factor?
You already know how I dislike being disrespected and I am sure the feeling is mutual. In this specific situation, however, I think there are several ways to kill a cat. The above scenario where I take such a playful attitude to this issue would only happen if my man was doing this in a teasing/playful manner. At this point, you do not need me to say AGAIN that if he was seriously trying to get another chick's number in my presence, we would be single that minute. (He should also pray I did not drive there.)
What if I did it first though? Then he should be a very loving boyfriend and forgive and forget yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. This is where the lingerie would come in :). lol .No, I have more sense than to disrespect myself and him by getting a number while he is around. I do not even think I would get a number now *cough* *cough*...:).
I presented the scenario above for two reasons. Firstly because it is one that I think would be interesting to deal with, just to see how I would react. Secondly, I was having a conversation with a friend which seems to tie into this whole issue. The main point of our conversation was about how ones actions are "supposed" (key word here being "supposed") to change once you get with someone you are serious about. *No duh* I say (to some extent). This person was concerned about how in the past I have handled my "taken" status. Most of the time, people do not know I am in a relationship unless they are close to me (which is how I think things should be). This person, however, thought it was my way to cop out by not "claiming" my situation and thereby letting not people know I was off the market and opening the market up for other single people. *side eye*...
How does this tie in with the topic above? Well this person's first argument was that if people do not know I am with someone, then just walking into a place with them does not necessarily mean that we are together. Therefore, that person is free bait, ESPECIALLY if they are flirting right back.*Pause* Well the second part about them flirting back makes sense, the first is rubbish my boo boo is not free bait!!! When I see a "couple" walk in somewhere, I try to find out "their situation" before making a move. I think its just respectful to both parties. People need to respect this rule and check what the status is between me and any man I walk into a party with before making a move. How about that for a rule???...So first point...MOOT!
The second point was that if people do not know I am with someone, then they think they are free to flirt with me and (especially if I am flirting back) then they do not see anything wrong with giving me their number if they think we have a good vibe going. In other words its wrong to "set someone up" to give them hope enough to ask for your number and then (hopefully but unfortunately) say oh I am with someone. (If you do not claim your significant other when they are not around then this whole reading exercise is useless for you, be gone). For this friend, it was necessary.to let people know you are taken before you commence flirting. Flirting etiquette 101. In doing this, the other person can decide (with all the information) if they want to try and holla at a taken person, become friends or just keep it moving. Do you agree? Is it necessary for me to tell you I am taken before I flirt with you? Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of the flirting? Should taken people be flirting? So many questions, so little time...!!!! So point number two will be reflected upon until further notice.
As if all those questions were not confusing enough, let's add another element, another twist (hey its a Friday). Now what if the person flirting with your significant other is their ex? I know I have spoken in depth about this ex issue before so I am not going to waste a lot of time on it. I do not condone violence and "ratchetness" aka behavior not befitting of a lady or gentleman. No lady/gentleman should ever be out raising his/her voice at another or threatening to take his or her shoes off. No person is worth that. Always resist the urge especially in this youtube era. You do not want that moment of rage to lead to a lifetime of regret for that one action. If said ex is in their face and they (your significant other) keeps it there, you need to keep it moving and do not look back. If s/he can do it to your face, s/he is doing worse behind your back. No one is that desperate to be with a man/woman. *Wooooo sahhhhh*
Being in a relationship should be a fun but respectful experience. I think respect is something that a lot of people start to take for granted, which spells the beginning of the end of said relationship. The "how would I react if this was done to me rule" is oh so important and vital for the success of any good relationship. (Unless you are a narcissist.) Most of the time, if you think things through and ask "how would I feel if s/he did it to me" and act based on that answer you will find that you are doing the right things.
So what is the morale of today's story? If you see me and my man walk into a party, (Ophelia!!) know I am taking him home after all is said and done. (Unless he disrespects me of course, then you can have him, life is too short to waste time on a loser).
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33 (says wife and husband I say significant other)
I love everything this outfit has to offer for office wear. It is classy and stylish but feminine at the same time. It would take too long to break down what each part cost so please check here. The whole look goes for less than $300.00 *side eye*. For others cheap like I am, I am sure we can mimic the look with things we get at TJ Maxx, Ross, etc. :).
So I was trying to do some research/studying for an interview and I came across my qualifying exam answers. Reading them now, I do not know who wrote them. How did I remember all the things I remembered?? I used to be a "shark"(slang for a brain-aic). Now, not so much. Lol. Its still good to know I had it "once". *Sigh*...
Moving right along. Today's title pretty much sums up the topic of the day. Badly behaved children. I CANNOT STAND badly behaved children. No, you know how you or some other people can look at kids misbehaving and just nod sympathetically at the poor parent and keep it moving? Not me, bad kids kill a little bit of my soul. (Yes I am being overly dramatic, but its true. I abhor children without manners.)
Oh I forgot my usual disclaimer. *This post is not discussing children with mental/psychological issues which prevents them from knowing and thus doing better, this is for children with normal mental acuity*
"He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes" (Proverbs 13:24) and "Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell." (Proverbs 23:13-14)
So what makes me pick on the small innocent children today? Well because I am seeing more and more children "acting" out with their parents sitting idly by. I know we have all seen the children screaming in the grocery stores, or the children doing the tantrum dance on department store floors, or even better, the children doing the demon screaming and scrambling for the door, or trying to climb over/under the pews in Church . *Sigh* These are only a few of the instances that pushed me to write this post. *Sidenote* Thank God Francis knowing me has already ok-ed me "straightening" B out if he gets confused...ever!
Back to the issue of badly behaving children. Who is to be blamed? Nature? Nurture? Oh, let's make this discussion even more interesting by suggesting that some people are just born inherently bad and evil. I do not subscribe to this viewpoint, however, so sorry it does not fly in this discussion. I think people are inherently good (but sinful) and then after baptism they are cleansed. Based on my view then there are no inherently spiritually bad children. Do you agree or not? If you disagree, that's your beef...moving on.
So if these children are not bad through nature, then are they bad because of the surroundings they find themselves in? To some extent I say yes. Bad mannered children sometimes are a reflection of their parents. Now I say "sometimes" because I have seen cases where the parents were brought up properly and try everything short of killing their kids and still these kids misbehave. So for such parents maybe we need to discuss the possibility of exorcism? (I keed, I keed).
Such bad behavior from children is simply unacceptable. Like my father would say, "not while you are living in my house" and my mother would say, " I gave birth to you and not the other way around". I dared not try such nonsense with my parents, my aunts, uncles or any other elder person who happened to be in charge of me. I would get punished by said adult and then when we got home and I was "reported" to my parents, I would get punished AGAIN!
At this point it is also important to say I do not condone violence or physical abuse on anyone especially children. If you are simply wailing on a child for no good reason or even for a little infraction, you need to get checked! There are so many disturbing stories in the news currently about parents who have starved, chained, abused their children. In some cases, these were babies, there is no excuse for doing that to a baby. Others cited "bad" behavior of the kids. Keeping in mind that most of these children are below the age of 5, there is no excuse for the parents.
What I am advocating is a "checking" method that does not ultimately harm your children but trains them. There are several verbal and non verbal ways to do this.
Non verbal method: The look: I remember, matter of fact I do not even have to remember it still works. My parents have a "look" that they can give me in public that freezes me up like an Iphone on a bad day :). Yes, that look STILL works!! That is how powerful it is. You need to train your child to recognize the look and know the repercussions of the look. The look alone, however, is insufficient in teaching the child what they did wrong. This should usually be incorporated with the speaking.
Verbal method: Speaking: So you come home, tired from work and you find your favorite vase smashed. Of course your first inclination will be to scream bloody murder. Consider drinking a glass of cold water FIRST! Then go speak to your child about, what happened. Listen carefully and then respond with punishments befitting the crime. So for example in this case Jnr. was 1. running through the house, 2. chasing his ball and he smashed the gift. If the rules are no running and no ball playing s/he gets punished for running and playing ball in the house. There have to be consequences for every rule broken. Make sure the children understand this, they are being punished for THAT specific action (or inaction).
Non verbal method: Spanking, pinching, etc. Sue me but I am an advocate of spanking. Not to be confused with brutally abusing the child. Simple spanking should do. I think spanking is more appropriate for younger children you cannot sit and explain things to. That spanking will act as a reminder next time they want to do something and should serve as a deterrent. Here is an interesting article on spanking, that I think properly highlights the importance of spanking, what are your thoughts?
Non verbal method: Sending the child up to their room: I personally never saw the "power" in this. Ok so even if there is nothing in the child's room to do (no TV, no Computer), they can go right to bed and then whats the punishment again? For me this punishment is rather "cruel and unusual" when it works and a waste of time when it does not. As a child, nothing brought me greater joy than to be on my own without my brothers bugging me. If I had been sent to my room, it would have been a welcomed reprieve for me to go and read in peace without worrying about chores or my brother.
Verbal method: Shouting: I dislike shouting immensely so this should never be used. Shouting serves no purpose. Yes you are mad and angry but what exactly is the child supposed to learn from you screaming like a lunatic. Or even worse cursing like a drunken sailor? Do not be shocked when in a few years this same child is throwing tantrums or engaging in shouting matches with you because that is the only way they feel they can be heard.
There are many ways that parents can use/learn to teach their children how to be well behaved in public and at home. If these parents are neglecting these responsibilities and allowing their children to run amok then it is the responsibility of someone else to "check" the kid. ( I am just saying). In my culture, the child belonged to the society so if someone saw you misbehaving they had every right to punish you and then to add insult to injury "report" you to your parents for more punishments for embarrassing them when they were not around. *Sigh*
With the psychos running around, however, I know I would go ape crazy if anyone ever laid a hand on my child so I do not advocate the new wave of child behavior enhancers that has been sweeping the nation. Please please please NEVER EVER put your hand on a strangers child. If you can not deal with the noise, remove yourself from the situation, it is that simple.
Ok so what is the morale of the story? Parents, train your children. Doing this will keep the rest of us from wanting to smack or train your badly behaving children for you.
Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Deuteronomy 11:15
Is it wrong to fall in love with this Coach MIA leather Carryall? If it is wrong, I never want to be right!!!! I love, love, love except.... Coach seems to be so passe these days. So I will pass for now.
So the good news of the day...the other T got "us" the BCBG bandage skirt. You see slowly (VERYYYYY Slowllllyyyy) I am getting the things I want. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I also got some Express shirts that J gave me a side eye for when I ordered because I promised I was done with shopping. But they were a steal!!! Usually $34.50 and I got them on sale for $5 bucks each...Scoreee!!! They are XXS, I usually wear an Express XS but they fit and with my new "supposed" gym regime I should be able to wear them with confidence soon. Here is the link, but be warned everything left seems to be XXS.
Moving on today's topic, in case you are not familiar with the title, it is a line from Jay Z's song Girls Girls Girls. I always found that song to be slightly disturbing and female deprecating. (Then again how many rap song lyrics are not disturbing and female deprecating?)
No, today's topic is not going to be on male chauvinism. Well to some extent it deals with male chauvinism, but it is not the main topic. Today's topic presents an interesting perspective on the dark side of interracial/intercultural/inter-geographical marriages.
So we all know the deal. We see a mixed color couple and immediately we start the guessing game. If shes black and pretty, and he is white and ordinary, it must be the money. If shes white and young and he is black and successful, it must be the money. I could go on and on but you know the interracial stereotypes.
Lets take it further and look at racial stereotypes. What are some of these basic racial stereotypes? Well, we have the submissive Asian woman, she wants to always do everything to please her man, she needs to be controlled. We have the overly sexual Latino woman who can never be sexually satiated, she needs to be controlled. We have the African woman who is not only primitive, but overly sexual, animalistic and needs to be controlled. Different colors, different geographic regions, one overarching theme, these different types of women need to be controlled/dominated.
What brought this issue up? Well I was watching a program this weekend about mail order brides, and it reintroduced me to this issue. Usually, when people hear that one is an immigrant in a developed nation and is married to a citizen of said developed nation, the stereotypical conclusion people draw is that it was done for said immigrant to get their "papers". While some of these situations are true, there are many more situations where this is not the case. There are the cases where women in developing countries leave their countries and what they know to get with a man in a developed nation hoping for a better life. It is unfortunate that these women come only to be abused in the name of bettering themselves and their unborn children.
*Disclaimer, my personal points are based on prior research that I have actually conducted on said topic, albeit from an African and specifically Ghanaian perspective. I do not claim to be the be all end all know all about this very topic. I do not judge women who choose to engage in such relationships and marriages, I just believe it should be made absolutely clear to them what they are getting themselves into so they can get into the situation with their full consent.* Moving right along. In the show, whose title I forget now but had something to do with Mail order brides on the Current channel, they chronicled the plight of abused immigrant wives. These women had found themselves in Europe from different countries, the one I saw was from Thailand and were being abused by their husbands. The show basically highlighted the inefficiency of the British government to take care of these immigrant wives who were being abused. In most cases, the women, after being subjected to all sorts of horrible sexual exploitations were deported because they complained to the authorities about their husbands who were citizens.
This situation and story is not new to me. As I pointed out earlier, I researched and wrote about young women back home in Ghana who met supposed "wealth" expatriates and were taken back "home" (wherever home was) with them. Unfortunately, most of the time, these "wealthy" expatriates turned out to be frogs and not Princes. They were usually deviants or socially inept individuals who due to their lack of societal skills and other issues could not find women in their own countries to deal with them, and thus resorted to misleading these immigrants. For more about this issue and how serious it really is, please read more here.
What immigrant women in this situation seem to have in common is the fact that they are not properly educated about how "real" it can get "out there". These poor women leave their families, home, everything they are familiar with and culture and basically become sex slaves, or even worse put in porn or prostitution with their husbands becoming their pimps.
Ok at this point some people might say...If you do not like it, then leave. This is easier said than done for several reasons. The first reason being the most important. Getting with these men was to avoid being in the horrible situation that they were in at home. They believed that with these men, they would have more opportunities to better themselves and give their unborn children options that they never had or even dreamed of. The second issue is that of saving face. In most cases, the culture that these women come from are cultures where face is very important. Once you are married, if you become divorced or sent back for any reason, this means you failed as a wife and no man is going to look at you twice. These women know that and cannot bear to bring such shame upon their families. Lets also add the element of children. These women know that if they are deported they will lose access to their children, so in most cases they prefer to stay and deal with the torture than lose their kids. There is also an emotional element to this. Abused women sometimes feel as if the abuse is physically visible on them and feel so much shame that they would rather hide than be around the people who may or may not care about their past. What do these and other reasons have in common? The fact that at the end of the day, it is the woman who suffers. A lose lose situation for her.
Lets also not forget that although some of these women can speak English, most of the time they do not speak the language enough to tell anyone what is going on with them. Usually, these women are kept isolated from the rest of society as these sick men are afraid they will tell someone what they have been subjected to. How many of us know our neighbors?...It could be going on right next door to you.
Ok so why is this depressing topic even on my radar? Why do I, and other well educated immigrant women need to worry about this issue? Well the men who prey on immigrant women do it many different ways. There are some who specifically target uneducated women or women who do not speak the language in the belief that they will not know any better and can not report said men and as such these women are easy victims. There are other men who prefer the thrill of dominating a woman "thinks" she knows a lot. For the men who choose to target educated women, they come with a different game all together.
Ok so what are some key signs to tell you, your guy may have some stereotypical assumptions and aspirations about you the immigrant? I have no clue.
Some personal red flags, however, are instances like these.
1. A guy who swears he only dates "exotic" or "ethnic" women and swears they are so much more interesting than women of his own culture. RUN! This person could not have dated everyone in his culture and race to make such a stupid statement. We are all humans, there are stupid, mean, people in every single race and culture.
2. The man who always makes little sly racist comments and wants to laugh it off as a joke all the time. RUN! Racism is never funny. If he is doing it to another race, most probably he is doing it about your race behind your back.
3. The man who wants to be "down" so bad. When you met him he had a certain style and all of a sudden he wants to be wearing dashiki's (and stuffs). I fully support cultural immersion but I do not believe in getting rid of one culture( his culture) for this to happen. so RUN!
Etc. Etc.....
People have different reactions to seeing interracial couples, especially when it seems evident that they are from different cultures. Some people envy these women and others judge them. The one thing I have learned is that no situation is always as it seems. Just as people from the same culture can be in a toxic relationship, that is the same way people from different cultures can also be in toxic relationships.
What can we do about this situation? Well the most important thing is that we need to Educate ourselves and the people in our communities!!! Those of us in developing nations need to educate other women in these nations so they know that everything they see on TV is not real. Developed nations have their problems just like developing nations do. No race has perfect human being. A Caucasian man can be as evil as an Asian or an African. Those developed nation citizens interested in doing something can look to having legislation put in place to protect immigrant women and children. Do not let these perverts use your collective names to abuse and degrade innocent victims.
There is so much to be said about this topic, I am just touching on the surface here but that is all it should take. Go educate yourself and tell a friend. Ignorance is never a good enough excuse.
“Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. ‘For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ “Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? ‘And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? ‘When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’“The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’ “Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ “Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’ “Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ “These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
Finally, something I can afford from the Outnet.com. I say "afford" meaning I could get rid of a lung (I got 2) or (an eye) or one of my body parts in order to afford this. That's all semantics though, I could "afford" it and that's all that matters. :). This beautiful (I die for the embellishments) Manoush Embellished velvet gilet is oh so hot! I would probably love it more if it were a proper jacket though. If you love it more than I do, you can find it here for $154.00...enjoy.
